I have been struggling with body image issues for as long as I can remember, but it’s only been in recent years that it’s become a noteworthy problem in my day to day life.
Let me back track.
When I was kid I was pretty fat. Not chubby, not pleasantly plump, not slightly overweight but fat; hell, probably even borderline obese. I remember being three years old, and weighing 70lbs.
I didn’t realize how big I actually was until I started at school and a classmate, a boy called me fat. I remember being upset and crying. I didn’t know what to do, or how to handle the situation. My four year old self esteem was like Velcro, every small comment stuck.
I maintained my weight until I started to get taller, and with height came extra weight. At this point though I was not growing fatter as a grew taller, but as I saw the numbers start to creep upwards on the scale I was convinced that I was just as big.
In hindsight, once I grew taller I was actually a pretty normal weight. But because I was so much taller than all of my friends, and heavier because of those extra inches I only ever saw a fat girl.
Just so we’re all on the same page here, I’m 5’10”. That’s pretty tall for a lady! I had always been tall for my age, But it was probably about grade 4, that I really started to sprout upwards, by fifth grade I was 5’7 and 120 lbs. This would put my BMI (body mass index) at 18.8 which is on the cusp of normal.
- For reference a healthy or average BMI for a women is 18.5- 24.9 anything under 18.5 is considered underweight and anything over 24.9 is considered overweight.
As I entered into high school I gained a few more inches putting me at 5’10 and gained a few more pounds as I weighed in at about 140-145 lbs, which would put my BMI between 20.1 and 20.8. At this point my weight matched my height. I was active and healthy, but I still didn’t see anything but that fat kid I used to be.
Flash forward several more years into my twenties. I’m now a mom and obviously my body composition has changed. I’m not as muscular and I’m not as active as I once was. I gained 70 lbs, yes, a whopping 70 lbs with my pregnancy. Yes, I was able to lose all of the baby weight in the year after giving birth however, it has been slowly creeping back and it’s been a yo-yoing battle for the last 8 years.
But regardless of what the scale says, even on a good day, a “low weight day” all I see is that same fat kid. For whatever reason that’s all I’ve ever been able to see.
Thanks for reading.<3